My Letter to President-Elect Trump

Dear President-Elect Trump:

First of all, let me extend my congratulations to you on your election as the 45th President of the United States. Wow! I know I speak for many when I say I did NOT see that coming.

I’m pretty sure it must be snowing in Hell these days and I’m certain one of my pet potbelly pigs recently grew wings and flew over my backyard fence … because I haven’t seen him in days. I suppose I should have built a bigger wall, right?!

Anyhow, I know you are a busy man so I will get right to the subject of my letter. I would like to formally announce my strong interest in your administration’s open cabinet position as U.S. Secretary of State.

I think you will find my qualifications and experience to be exactly what you are looking for.

First of all, you have clearly communicated your desire to “drain the swamp” of Washington D.C. and bring in non-traditional picks to your inner circle. As a public school educator from Oklahoma who’s never worked in government, I would be as unexpected a pick as it comes.

You have also expressed your strong dissatisfaction with the current State Department and have been highly critical of the performance of the previous two Secretaries of State, as well as President Obama. I agree with you that it is time for us to change direction to make America great again.

Up to now, I hadn’t really given much thought to applying for this position. Based on my Google search, I have discovered this job involves some travel along with a little diplomacy and background in foreign affairs. I will confess I have virtually no knowledge or experience in these things.

As a school teacher and administrator for the past 24 years, I have not made enough money to travel much internationally. I can speak and write in English only and have devoted minimal time towards trying to learn a second language. Yet, I know you’ll agree with me when I say the responsibility to learn English should be with people in other nations who wish to communicate with us. Because ‘Merica!

Typically, my lack of qualifications might serve as a barrier to my nomination for this position.

However, after reading about your nomination of Betsy DeVos to be our next Secretary of Education, I realized that qualifications and experience are not at all meaningful in your selection process for cabinet positions.

Some liberal critics have their skivvies in a wad over Ms. DeVos’s appointment just because she never attended public schools; her children never attended public schools; she’s never worked in a public school; she doesn’t have an education degree; she has limited experience working with children, and she has been highly critical of public schools in America.


Once again you have displayed your unique brilliance by doing something almost no rational and intelligent political analyst saw coming. You recognized that the quickest way to upend a china shop is to release an angry cow into its midst.

Mrs. DeVos ignorance about the mission and operation of public schools coupled with her utter lack of education experience virtually guarantees she will drive the department of education into a ditch. This will clear the way for you to abolish the department completely since the corporate schools you both want to implement will no longer require federal oversight. Because capitalism.

I would love to bring this same vision for America’s education into the U.S. State Department. And I am the only one who can do it.

Just like you gave a giant finger to thousands of professional educators with the selection of Ms. DeVos, you could give the world a giant finger by selecting someone like me to run your State Department.

Just for starters, I will bring in Betsy’s brother, Erik Prince, and his Blackwater cohorts to destroy ISIS and stabilize the Middle East. We will then take their oil and use it to power our tanks. We will rebuild our military and make our enemies pay for it. Finally, we will send a company of boy scouts to conquer Iceland and give it to Texas, just to show the world we can.

Relative to unrest in North Korea, Iran, Russia, China (Gina), and other foreign places, we will simply tell them to “cut the crap” and comply with our wishes or else!

Of course, I cannot give you specifics now of what I might do as Secretary of State to ensure these nations submit to our demands. I learned that from you. As you brilliantly pointed out during your campaign, General Patton and General MacArthur didn’t tell our enemies when and how they would attack. Only a fool would do such a thing.

But, believe me, I have a terrific plan. Believe me, it’s bigly. My plan is so bigly I can barely hold it in my giant hands. We both know what big hands mean, am I right?

Here’s one more thing you’ll like about me, Donald. Like you, I prefer to communicate via clumsy 140-character tweets rather than in lengthy, well-developed thoughts or emails (that’s so Hillary Clinton). I also do not own a private server, so there’s that.

The bottom line is if you honor me with your selection, I will work with you to make America the most respected and feared nation on Earth. I guarantee it. Promise. It will be terrific. And we’ll be great again.

I can say this with 100% certainly because I have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about. Sound familiar?

With that in mind, Ms. DeVos and I would be a perfect match for your cabinet.

Congrats again. I will look forward to your call.

p.s. Hey look, someone wrote “gullible” up there.

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