By May 11, 2016 Uncategorized No Comments

In case you missed it, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos had a very good day last week, at least from a financial point of view. And that’s one of the biggest understatements ever written.

Bezos actually sold a small portion of his stake in his company the week before. If he had waited a few more days, he would have been able to make the sale at an all-time high and made even more money.

Nonetheless, when shares of Amazon jumped to its high of $699.71 Tuesday morning, Bezos got $1.4 billion richer over the course of ONE rotation of this pale blue dot we call Earth.

Let me break that down for you.

Earning $1.4 billion in one day is equal to an hourly wage of $58 million an hour. That’s $972,222 each minute or $16,203 each and every second of the day.

In other words–in less than two seconds on Tuesday–Jeff Bezos made the equivalent of what a starting teacher in Oklahoma makes in an entire year.

But, hey, spending over a thousand blissful hours with a classroom full of young, lovable, eager-to-learn human beings brings much more happiness to someone than spending $1.4 billion any damn day.

Right, Grumpy Cat?

According to Forbes Market Watch, Jeff is also quickly moving up the list of wealthiest people on the planet.

The recent rally of Amazon shares – with Facebook it’s keeping at least half of the big “FANG” trade going this year — has pushed Bezos to fourth place among the world’s richest people, overtaking Mexican billionaire Carlos Slim Helu. Since the Forbes list of The World’s Billionaires was published in March, Bezos’ net worth has grown by more than $14 billion, to $59.3 billion through Monday.

To be fair, Bezos has become somewhat of a poster child for the volatility of the American stock exchange. He has made headlines numerous times over the past few years for both making AND losing enormous amounts of stock value in a single day.

Like when he lost $6 billion on January 29th when Amazon stocks plummeted 11 percent in one day. However, just a few months later, when stocks rebounded 13 percent to reach a current all-time high of $679 per share, Bezos earned his $6 billion back .  .  . in only twenty minutes!

Easy come, easy go.

And to think: I stress out when I lose fifty bucks at the blackjack table, which is why I rarely gamble.

Yet, I also don’t have a fifty billion dollar buffer in my portfolio like Jeff Bezos. That may assuage some of the stress.

Anyhow, I’ve taken the initiative to write a letter to Mr. Bezos to ask for a small favor on behalf of our great state.

This is what I have so far:

“Dear Mr. Bezos:

I read recently that you earned an incredible $1.4 billion in one day due to an increase in stock value of your company, Amazon. You are awesome!

Congratulations, I know you have worked hard for every dollar you have earned in life. I was also pleased to see you had moved up to number four on the list of world’s wealthiest people. I am confident you can catch that loser, Bill Gates, if you keep up the good work. You’re much wiser than he is.

Jeff, as a matter of fact, you are undoubtedly one of the most brilliant men ever born. A few years ago, I heard that many investors thought your whole “Amazon” online shopping idea was ridiculous and would never work. Look who had the last laugh, huh? Your fans in Oklahoma never doubted you – not for one minute!

Anyhow, let me get to the point. You may not be aware that the great state of Oklahoma is in somewhat of a financial mess. In fact, due to some not-so-great fiscal management by state leaders at our Capitol, we are at the brink of a precipice about to plummet into a fiery abyss of historic proportions.

Okay, there is some hyperbole in what I just wrote, but suffice it to say things are bad, real BAD!

Our state currently has a budget shortfall of $1.3 billion. I realize that’s not a lot of money for an individual like you, but it’s a sh*!load of money for the 3.8 million people of Oklahoma. We are modest folks.

We just don’t know what to do. We could raise taxes and eliminate lucrative tax breaks for corporations, but that’s just not the Oklahoma way. So, our lawmakers are at a complete and utter loss.

That is why I am writing this letter on behalf of my fellow citizens along with our Governor and members of the Oklahoma State Legislature.

We would be so appreciative if you would consider floating our state just $1.3 billion of what you made last Tuesday to help us get through the next fiscal year.

Think of it this way. You went to bed on Monday with a net worth of $59.3 billion. Twenty-four hours later you had $60.7 billion. Just send us a check for the difference and pretend like it’s still Monday and that Tuesday never happened! Easy, huh?

Don’t worry, this deal will be just between you and us. Mum’s the word.

When lawmakers from Kansas or Texas ask, “HEY, where did you come up with $1.3 billion overnight,” we will simply tell them we found it in an unmarked, water-stained cardboard box down in the Capitol basement during renovations. Or, maybe we wagered our entire Rainy Day fund on Amazon stock on Monday and just got lucky. Or, we may just say, “Mind your own beeswax!

At this point, you’re likely thinking,”What’s in this for me?”  I totally get that. I mean, who gives away $1.3 billion without a little Quid pro quo?

I’m confident we can come up with a terrific package of incentives. It will be HUGE!

How about lifetime tickets to Oklahoma City Thunder games? Lunch with Bob Stoops? Free use of a camper at the Governor’s Mansion? Unlimited tornado chasing and bass fishing with Tulsa’s News On 6 Meteorologist, Dick Faurot? A VIP tour of the American Ninja Warrior set on the Capitol grounds? A free tour of the Native American Museum when it opens in 2035? And lots, lots more!

Jeff, may I call you Jeff? I am certain we can make this worth your while. Suffice it to say, we will take very good care of you any time you come through Oklahoma (wink, wink).

Thank you so much for your consideration. If you are amenable, you can send the check to: Preston Doerflinger, 2500 N. Lincoln Blvd, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma.

On second thought, that guy will probably lose it. Instead, I will just text you my checking account number and you can wire the money directly to me.

Of course, you can trust I’ll get it in the hands of the right people. I mean, what could I possibly do with that kind of money?”

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